


Kurapika Yowie

by 0x0100



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Comedy, Epic, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 10:08:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20704223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0x0100/pseuds/0x0100
Summary: The definitive Kurapika Yowie. Join Kurapika in his journey to find love and quit his masturbation addiction. Begins in the Battleship Island part, and ends after the end of the series.





	Kurapika Yowie

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Hello, I am Togashi. I own Hunter X Hunter, and all related properties. This fan-fiction is completely canon. Please do not read this if you under 18 years of age. However, if you are 16, or older, you can skim it, if you don't read the naughty parts. Hunter X Hunter will never get off hiatus, so please read this instead, and do something else with your life. Thank you and good night.

During the Hunter Exam, on battleship island, Kurapika finally had a chance to get some rest in a nice hotel. Or, so he thought. He was looking forward to quietly resting in the same room as Hanzo, who he thought would be quiet, and not bother him (as ninjas are supposed to do.) He didn't want anything to happen that would rile him up.  
But, something did happen. Leorio switched with Hanzo, and now the two of them were together again, sharing a room for the first time. Damn it. Kurapika needed time away from Leorio, to clear his head, and calm down. Kurapika always lost his cool around Leorio.  
Kurapika was reading a book, and Leorio was taking a shower. But, when Leorio stepped out of the shower, he wasn't wearing anything. Kurapika, for just a moment, looked upon Leorio's glistening, lean, hairy body, and he sensed his eyes turning red. His eyes turned red whenever his emotions ran rampant, so why was it happening now of all times? If Leorio saw his eyes turn red, what would he think? And within Kurapika, he felt something else turning, but it was something even more fearful than the scarlet eyes.  
Kurapika punched Leorio. It was the first thing he could think of. Leorio was knocked down, and too distracted by the attack to notice Kurapika's eyes... or... well, it was the eyes, of course, that Kurapika was worried about. This gave Kurapika a chance to turn away, and close his eyes.  
Leorio began to yell and complain, but Kurapika did not explain himself. He wondered why he punched him in the first place. Shouldn't he have been able to form a better strategy in that moment, other than violence? Violence. He had turned his hand against one of his own friends. It wasn't Leorio's fault that Kurapika felt this way.  
Kurapika didn't open his eyes or say anything for a while, and Leorio got tired. Later, he opened his eyes, but he still acted sullen. He couldn't afford to let Leorio get too close to him. When Kurapika vowed revenge for his people, he also made many pacts with himself. He would not drink alcohol, nor would he have a relationship with a woman, until he had avenged his people. No one knew of this pact but him. Leorio was not a woman... Kurapika never expected he would feel this way when he signed that pact. He didn't think he needed to stipulate “or man,” at that point. It's not like he'd do it with a man, either. It was implied in the pact, probably.  
Kurapika went out and got fresh air. He was worrying too much. Of course, it was impossible that he'd have that sort of relationship with Leorio. They were both men, Kurapika didn't swing that way, and of course Leorio liked women. There's no way Leorio had strange feelings for Kurapika, he was just being friendly.  
Really, there was no problem at all... except... his eyes. Was it a mistake that they'd turned red, then? No, that's not how it works at all. They ONLY turn red when strong emotions are aroused. Suddenly, all of Kurapika's justifications crumbled. His eyes weren't red, but he still felt something deep inside him. He couldn't lie to himself any longer.  
“Fuck it,” Kurapika said to himself. He opened the cabin door with a slam, and shouted, “LET'S HAVE SEX, LEORIO!” loud enough for the entire island to hear, and then he jumped onto the bed and ripped Leorio's clothes off.

In another cabin...  
“What's sex, Killua?” Gon asked.  
“Pffft!” Killua snickered.  
“What?” Gon asked.  
“Ask Leorio. I'm not a doctor.” Killua said.  
“So it's something to do with doctor...” Gon thought.  
“Only in role play,” Killua said, and snickered. He looked at the mostly bare room. “If this lousy hotel had a TV and cable, we could, heh heh, watch some.”  
“Watch it?” Gon asked. He thought for a moment. “Couldn't we just watch Kurapika and Leorio? Aren't they doing it?”  
Killua blushed, and was surprised. “Wait, what are you talking about?”  
“I heard Kurapika shout 'let's have sex, Leorio.'” Gon said.  
“Are you sure you heard it right? Maybe he said, 'let's have snacks.' Though it's pretty weird for Kurapika to be yelling at all...” Killua mused.  
“I'm certain that's what he said,” Gon said.  
“I didn't hear anything, but your ears are something else, Gon...” Killua trailed off.  
“So are we going to watch?” Gon asked.  
“Hell no!” Killua said. “If you're right, it's not something I wanna see.” Killua was feeling a bit queasy, imagining two guys he'd met having sex.

Kurapika began with a lot of passion and drive, but once he'd taken his clothes off, he had a nagging thought that he didn't actually know what he was doing. Both he and Leorio were naked, and both of them had boners, so they were doing all right so far. But, even though this was what he thought he wanted, Kurapika felt terribly ashamed of himself.  
Leorio touched him. Not down there, no, he just touched Kurapika on the arm.  
“Kurapika! Are you feeling alright?” Leorio asked. He started shaking him (that is, by his shoulders). “Do you know where you are? How many fingers am I holding up?” Leorio was terribly worried someone had put some kind of spell on Kurapika.  
The touch was rough, haphazard, and purely incidental yet Kurapika felt Leorio's concern. Just from that touch, Kurapika came. Kurapika splooged his goo all over Leorio's bare, naked, hairy chest, just from being touched on the shoulders.  
“Oh my god!” Leorio shouted. “You... you actually...” Leorio turned beet red. Kurapika got off of him, and Leorio rushed to take a second shower.  
Kurapika wondered what sort of pervert would empty his nuts just by being touched on the arm. At least he hadn't broken his vow, but he wondered if this was worse.  
The door burst open, and it was Hanzo.  
“I heard someone shouting. What's happening over here?”  
“Leave now.” Kurapika said, icily, still nude.  
Hanzo froze for a moment, looking at Kurapika. He covered his mouth, and closed the door quickly. When he was a good distance away, he laughed.  
“So she's actually a man?” Hanzo said, and chuckled again.

For the rest of the night, Leorio badgered Kurapika, trying to find out if he had some sort of rare disease, or was under the effect of brainwashing. Kurapika didn't answer at all, and just sat in his bed, facing away.  
Leorio finally went to bed, and a strange thought popped into his head.  
Maybe he actually DID want to have sex with me...  
Kurapika, thought about what happened, and for some reason, he started giggling like a little girl. When he covered his mouth, to muffle it, it sounded it Leorio like he was crying.

The next morning, Kurapika, Leorio, Gon and Killua were eating together, when Tonpa passed by.  
“Did it feel good, Kurapika?” Tonpa chuckled. Tonpa was staying in a cabin nearby Kurapika.  
“Besmirch my honor, and I'll kill you,” Kurapika said. Tonpa ran away.  
“Uh, Kurapika?” Killua started.  
“Yes?”  
“If you'd like, I can kill him. It's no trouble at all,” Killua said.  
“What?”  
“In fact, I can kill everyone who heard... uh, that... y'know, for your honor.” Killua gulped. “Except... I won't kill Gon.”  
“You don't have to kill anyone!” Kurapika said, surprised.  
“But, you just said-”  
“I was being too rash. I'm sorry, Killua,” Kurapika said.  
Gon thought for a second. “But, did it feel good, Kurapika?” Gon asked.  
Kurapika looked away and blushed. Killua punched Gon. “Don't ask him that, dummy!”  
Meanwhile, Leorio was trying to pretend that nothing had happened last night.  
“Excuse me,” Kurapika said. He stood up and left for the bathroom.  
“So, anyways, what's sex, Leorio?” Gon asked.  
“It's, uh... when a man and a woman... no it can also be a man and a man... lemme think...”

“Did it feel good?” Kurapika thought, as he looked at himself in the bathroom. (That is, he was looking at his own face, pervert.) Kurapika touched himself, (That is, he touched his d*ck, you puritan) thinking about Leorio. “Ah! Ah! It did... it did feel good...”

Nothing happened for the rest of their stay on Battleship island, and they got off without a hitch.

During the fighting tournament, at the end of the exam, Hisoka whispered something in Kurapika's ear.  
“I have a boner,” Hisoka said.  
“What, why?” Kurapika asked, blushing.  
“Seeing you and Leorio together makes me hard,” Hisoka said.  
“Me, me too.” Kurapika said. His eyes turned red.  
“Not as much as looking at small children, though.”  
“O.O”  
“Just kidding. Anyways, I have some info on the Spiders.”  
“Oh, cool thanks Hisoka,” Kurapika said.

Later, Kurapika talked to Hisoka.  
“What should I do, Hisoka?” Kurapika asked.  
“Be in Yorknew in September.”  
“Why? Is Leorio going there too?” Kurapika blushed.  
“No, I'm talking about the Spiders. That's why you talked to me, right?”  
“Uh... yeah, of course.”

When Kurapika, Gon, and Leorio were going to save Killua, Kurapika was very nervous. He'd gotten Leorio number, but he didn't think they'd all be together again so soon. He kept looking at his phone, treasuring the number in his phone. He thought multiple times about calling Leorio to say hi, but Leorio was sitting across from him in the train, so it would kind of be pointless.  
The three of them together felt like a family. When Gon was out, Kurapika asked Leorio a question.  
“What do you think it'd be like to be a mother, I mean, a father?” Kurapika asked. He was shaking.  
“I dunno, it sounds like a lot of work,” Leorio asked. “But I'd have to get married first, and that's a long way off! Why'd you ask, Kurapika?”  
“I'd... I'd like to have lots of children...” Kurapika said, quivering. In his head, he added “with Leorio.”  
“So, you'd have a lot of little Kurta. I guess that makes sense. Being the last one, you'd want to continue their lineage as much as possible.” Leorio said this nonchalantly.  
Kurapika stopped for a moment, then ran to the bathroom. He cried. No, he didn't want to have a lot of little Kurta! He wanted to adopt! Leorio wouldn't be able to get pregnant anyways. He wanted to adopt Gon and Killua as his children. But, he realized he was being terribly selfish. He'd always thought that the Kurta line would end with him. He didn't want the responsibility to have to carry them on. He just wanted to avenge them!  
Later, when Leorio was out, Kurapika asked Gon a question.  
“Do you think Leorio would make a good father?” Kurapika asked.  
“I dunno. I've never had a dad before. I think he'd be a fun dad,. I can imagine his kids walking all over him, though. He's so bad at discipline, compared to my Aunt Mito.”  
“I see.” Kurapika smiled warmly. “What about me?”  
“You seem more like a mom than a dad, Kurapika.” Gon said.  
Kurapik ran to the bathroom and cried again. Damn it! Was he going to be the woman in the relationship? He thought if he and Leorio got married, Leorio would be the wife. But, was he just deluding himself? Would Kurapika be the wife? No! I'm a man! Kurapika thought. I won't be anyone's wife! Except... maybe I could, for Leorio. He spent a while in the bathroom, feeling conflicted.

After they parted ways, after saving Killua, Leorio's life was miserable. For some reason, he could only jack off when thinking about Kurapika. In all his medical studies, he couldn't find out what disease he had, so he wondered if it was something very rare.

Training with Nen was a difficult time for Kurapika. His master was a hairy young man, who reminded him too much of Leorio. Kurapika would often sit under a waterfall, to purge himself of unclean desires, but he still masturbated twice a day, thinking of Leorio's hairy body.  
When he learned he was a conjuror, he thought of one thing to conjure. Chains. He thought, “I should be chained up, for having such lewd desires.” But, this was not the story he told his master.

Body-guarding was also a trying time. The manly Basho reminded Kurapika too much of Leorio, so Kurapika stayed away from him. Still, his dick was starting to become very sore from his constant masturbation. He wondered if he would lose his eyesight, and perhaps his scarlet eyes from this bad habit. When he learned Melody was a woman, his first thought was “Really? Gross.” Melody was a buck-toothed, ugly, deformed little midget, but she was nice to Kurapika. And anyways, he was starting to get carpal tunnel from pleasuring himself too much. Maybe, if he did it with Melody, a bona-fide women, he'd finally be cured of his gay thoughts.  
Kurapika approached Melody one night, when everybody else was asleep. He opened the door of her room and slunk in, as seductively as he could.  
“K-Kurapika!” Melody was surprised. “Your heartbeat... it's the same heartbeat you have when you spend a really long time in the bathroom... are you constipated, Kurapika?”  
“Melody...” he whispered, trying to sound as amorous as possible.  
“Do you need help pooping, Kurapika? We're friends, but I dunno if I'd do that for you.”  
Kurapika approached her on the bed. “Melody... the two of us, alone here at night. Doesn't it make your heart race?”  
“No, Kurapika. You're as gay as a closet store, and my privates don't work anymore. Go wake up Basho if you want to do something like that. I can tell that you find him much sexier than me.”  
Kurapika left. It was at this point that he developed the power Stealth Dolphin. His resolve was stronger than ever before. He had to stop using his hands to masturbate, or else he'd need to get surgery.

In Yorknew, Kurapika met with Hisoka multiple times, to ask advice about his relationship with Leorio. Hisoka mostly just gave him information on the Phantom Troupe, which wasn't what Kurapika wanted.

When Kurapika first saw Uvogin, his heart began to race. He was a big, hairy brute, like Leorio if he had worked out. Fighting Uvogin was incredibly difficult for him, because he had a constantly raging boner throughout the entire fight. When he finally stopped him, he knew he had to kill him. Kurapika couldn't bear to have lustful thoughts for anyone but Leorio, so Uvogin had to die.

Finally, once the Spiders had been defeated, and the auction was over, Kurapika had some time to spend alone with Leorio. Gon and Killua had jumped into some silly video game world, just like in half of Togashi's other works.  
Kurapika decided, he was going to break both of his vows on the same night. He and Leorio went out shopping, and Kurapika bought a dozen bottles of wine. He was going to get drunk, and do the deed with Leorio.  
Both drank until they blacked out. In the morning, they woke up, both naked, in the same bed. Each had a massive headache.  
“What the hell did we do?” Leorio asked.  
“I don't remember,” Kurapika said.  
“Me neither,” Leorio said, groaning. “Maybe that's for the best.” Kurapika wished he remembered. When Leorio got up, he didn't put on clothes immediately, which made Kurapika happy. He brought Kurapika some water, and they both hydrated. Leorio noticed how many empty bottles there were lying around.  
“Holy hell, Kurapika,” Leorio said. “Why'd you buy so much? We could have died from alcohol poisoning.”  
“I've never drank before,” Kurapika said. He felt a bit embarrassed.  
“Really? Why not?”  
“I had a vow, to never drink, and, uh... never have sex until I avenged my people.”  
“So did you just avenge them, or something?”  
“No,” Kurapika said. “But I decided it was a stupid vow to make.”  
“Does that mean you've never had sex before?” Leorio asked.  
“Unless we did last night, no.” Kurapika said. He looked away and blushed. Leorio chuckled nervously.  
“Well, I'll take you out to the town, and you can get some experience. Yorknew has a lot of brothels.”  
“No, Leorio,” Kurapika said.  
“But you said it was a stupid vow.”  
Kurapika looked at Leorio. He stared him in the eyes, and shook a bit nervously. Leorio was surprised, and then he had a thought.  
“You know... uh...” Leorio started. “This kind of reminds me of that time on battleship island... ha ha.”  
Kurapika looked away and blushed.  
“Sorry for mentioning that. I shouldn't have brought it up.”  
“No, it's fine,” Kurapika said. “To be honest, I think about that night a lot.”  
“I... I do too,” Leorio said. “I always kind of wondered about it.” He thought for a moment then chuckled. “Sorry, sorry. I just remembered what you shouted, and that Gon heard it.”  
Kurapika turned even redder.  
“And I remember, when you... all over me...”  
“Y-yeah,” Kurapika said. He was getting really hard, and he laughed nervously.  
“I thought I heard Hanzo, when I was in the shower,” Leorio continued.  
“Yeah, he thought someone was hurt.”  
“Did he... have any idea what happened?”  
“I don't know, but I think he was surprised to see that I was a man.”  
“So... he saw?” Leorio could hardly hold back laughter. “To be honest, I wasn't entirely sure when I first met you.”  
“Sh-shut up!” But Kurapika was laughing now. He laughed for a few moments, until he was coughing.  
“Are you OK?” Leorio asked, but he was laughing also. He touched Kurapika's shoulder. Kurapika finally stopped coughing.  
“W-were you... disappointed?” Kurapika asked, blushing.  
“Your face is damn red,” Leorio said, but his face was getting red too.  
“W-were you disappointed to learn that I was man?”  
“What? No, I figured it out pretty quickly. Besides, you were so cold with me, I knew I wouldn't have a chance with you if you were a girl.”  
“If I was a girl...” Kurapika said. He stopped laughing, and looked away.  
“Hey, don't take it so seriously,” Leorio said, a bit concerned.  
“Just asking, but, you're straight, right?” Kurapika asked, still not looking at Kurapika.  
“Yeah, I, uh, like women. You do too, right?” Leorio asked. Kurapika looked into Leorio's eyes for a moment. The blanket covering Kurapika's lower section slid away, and Leorio saw that Kurapika had a boner. Kurapika looked away, but he saw something out of the corner of his eye.  
“H-hey, it's not what you think,” Leorio said.  
“Then what is it?” Kurapika asked.  
“It's... uh...” Leorio trailed off, without an excuse. The thing is, he had a boner too.  
“YOU GODDAMN LIAR!” Kurapika shouted, grabbing Leorio's engorged penis.  
“No, Kurapika, not so hard...”  
“'I like women' my ass! You were staring at my dick the whole time!” Kurapika began his attack, rubbing Leorio quickly up and down.  
“No, Kurapika... no... oh no... please...” Leorio felt a heavenly feeling, as though he was Rose from titanic. He came. Then, he explained.  
“Just because I was looking at your penis doesn't mean anything, Kurapika!” Leorio said. “I'm studying to be a doctor! My relationship with penises is completely platonic. I don't even like penises, I like vaginas, you see, like a straight man! God, why am I saying penis so much?”  
“I'm sorry,” Kurapika said. “I should have asked if you were straight, before I made you...” he trailed off. “It must have felt terrible, having another man touch you in such a sensitive place.”  
“Uh, no, it actually felt great, Kurapika. Don't worry so much.”  
“Oh. I wonder how it felt, then,” Kurapika said, looking away and batting his eyelashes.  
“Hey, don't bat your eyelashes!” Leorio protested. “You're a man!” Kurapika blushed, and bit his lip. “Dammit, stop, Kurapika! You're making me feel funny!” Leorio looked at Kurapika again. Kurapika's penis was still filled with the blood that makes it erect. Leorio learned all about it in medical school.  
“Are you... are you gay, Kurapika?” Leorio asked.  
Kurapika said nothing.  
“That's just morning wood, isn't it?” He asked, nervously.  
No answer.  
“Was it...” Leorio stopped cold. No, it couldn't be... it couldn't be... “Was it from seeing me?”  
Kurapika nodded. “I just wanted to finish where we left off on battleship island. Every day, I think about it.”  
“But... you're the one that punched me when I was naked in front of you!” Leorio said.  
“I couldn't face my feelings, then!” Kurapika yelled. “I'm not sure if I can face them now.” Leorio lied down next to Kurapika on the bed, and sighed.  
“Boy, am I stupid,” Leorio said. He chuckled. “It was so obvious from the beginning.”  
“I did shout, 'Let's have sex Leorio' right at your face,” Kurapika said.  
“I didn't think... I thought you were possessed or something,” Leorio said.  
“I meant it, but I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to be doing,” Kurapika said, and buried his face in his hands.  
“Well, I don't either,” Leorio said. “I've hardly done it, even with women, to tell the truth.” It hurt his pride to say that. “But, I guess you've never done it at all...”  
Kurapika nodded.  
Leorio turned over, and moved his hand toward Kurapika. (That is, his d*ck.)  
“Can I...?” Leorio began.  
“Yeah.” Kurapika nodded.  
The next few hours were absolute bliss for Kurapika. He could last longer now, due to his constant masturbation, but seeing Leorio in person made it all different. They both splooged their goo many times, until the sheets and mattress became irreplaceable. They only tried half of what Kurapika had fantasized. They both took showers, to clean up, which was a difficult task. The semen in Leorio's ear was especially difficult to clean out, and Kurapika worried that Leorio would have hearing problems for life, due to his actions. Leorio's glasses had to be thrown out, because he forgot to take them off, and no soap could remove the sedimentary layers of man goo that had covered them.  
They checked out of the hotel early, and Kurapika was worried if that room would even be cleanable, or if it would have to be replaced.

Kurapika and Leorio hit the town in Yorknew, so Leorio could find new glasses.  
“So, what now?” Leorio asked.  
“Do you want to get married?” Kurapika asked.  
“Hell no! I still have medical school, and I can't afford to get tied down yet.”  
“I also have a lot of work to do, also,” Kurapika said, regretfully.  
“You wanted to adopt Gon, didn't you?”  
“Wha- no! No! I never said anything like that!” Kurapika was red again.  
“He'd never be home, anyways,” Leorio said.  
“I'd... I'd still pack him lunch,” Kurapika said.  
“I guess he'd visit on vacations,” Leorio said.  
“It would do him good to have a two-parent family!” Kurapika said, indignantly.  
“That's true, that's true. Goddamn, I can't be a father.”  
“Who said you'd be the father?” Kurapika was annoyed.  
“Wait, I'm not going to be a mother! Hell no! You're the one who wears a dress!”  
“It's not a dress!”  
“You just said you'd pack him lunch! That's something a mother does,” Leorio said.  
“Yeah...”  
“I do think the dress looks cute,” Leorio said.  
“What, do you think I'm a cross dresser?” Kurapika asked.  
“I'm just saying that's what it looks like.”  
“It's... cute, huh?” Kurapika said, blushing.  
“Uh... yeah.”  
“Do you want to see me cross dress?”  
“Is that a rhetorical question?”  
“Do you want me to buy a dress and wear it?”  
“I'd have to see you in one first.”  
“Look, here's a women’s clothing store,” Kurapika said. “You wanna see me in an actual dress?” Leorio looked at the clothing.  
“I like... I like this one,” Leorio said, pointing at a dress.  
“I think it looks nice too. Want me to try it on?”  
“Hell yeah I do!”

Kurapika and Leorio were married on the boat to the Dark Continent, before disembarking into the wild. Upon returning, they did, in fact, adopt Gon. Also, Kurapika found a surrogate mother, and Leorio and Kurapika had a family of little Kurtas.


End file.
